Ever since my last post, I’ve had a lot of people asking me, “Who is this little girl?! I need to know.” And it’s actually very flattering to know people are actually reading my blog and actually holding an interest, but at the same time, it’s nerve wrecking because it’s such a deep and personal experience I’m sharing with people.
I have a hard time opening up to people, let alone the Facebook world. One thing I’ve learned about myself recently is when it comes to emotional struggles and challenges, I run and don’t deal with the problem. I just push it away and tell myself I can get through it. But I don’t actually face or deal with those feelings. A lot of people have been asking if I have a good relationship with my father, and I’d have to say no. Only because there isn’t much of a relationship to begin with. And maybe that’s my fault. This whole experience with my dad, has left me very hurt and very damaged. To say I have “daddy issues,” would be an understatement. I never understood why he never tried to build a relationship, why I was never deserving enough to have a real explanation of why he left, why I grew up thinking he was dead, and why when he came back into my life, did we not have the relationship I always wanted. After getting in contact with my dad for the first time, I expected this picture perfect reunion where I would finally connect with my father and he’d be a consistent role in my life. But, that didn’t happen. I was let down with unbroken promises, and stories and explanations that didn’t make sense. I went through counseling with my therapist all through high school, and even again after having my kids. It got to a point where I said to myself, “I’ve gone my whole life without him already, so I don’t need him now.” And I convinced myself that i would never have a relationship with him, I’d never meet him face to face, I’d never let my kids have their grandfather, and I’d live the rest of my life, fatherless. That became an insecurity, probably my biggest insecurity. I have a hard time letting people in and I subconsciously push people away because “I don’t need anyone anyway.” I made myself believe I was an unloveable person and meant to live my life without a partner, and alone. It wasn’t until a couple months ago when I realized, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I need to face my fear: my father.
For me, this is scary. Thinking of meeting my father gives me anxiety. What if he doesn’t like me? What if the truth hurts more than the stories I’ve been told my whole life? What if I get let down again? Does he even deserve that opportunity? What if I don’t like him? So many thoughts run through my head and I’ve had the hardest time accepting that maybe meeting my father is something I NEED to do. If that’s the answer to all my questions, all my struggles. Knowing that I have a spiritual “gift” is hard to accept at times, because I know that stems from my fathers bloodline. It wasn’t until I had my dream a couple months ago, that things made sense, here’s why….
My mom had moved a couple of months ago and was going through old junk, pictures, files, decluttering. She came across a box. A box that had letters and pictures from my grandmother when I was little. And in it were some quilts she had made. (She was artistic and did a lot of quilting and sewing) When my mom came across this box, she felt like she needed to give it to me. She did. And the second I pulled out the quilts, held them in my hand, and noticed the artistic ability she had. I instantly remembered and recognized this box from my dream. This was the same box that little girl pointed out to me in my dream. Why she did, I’m not sure, I’m still figuring that out. But she pointed it out for a reason. I was suppose to find that box, as a reminder than I needed to connect with my roots, my bloodline. I needed to learn where I came from, learn about my ancestors and what abilities and talents they had that had been passed down.
For a long time, I believed maybe this little girl was just a girl I had helped, and then I thought maybe it was my grandmother or maybe even a daughter I would have one day, but it wasn’t till I found this box, and had my dream again, that I realized that little girl, was me. Or a representation of me.
I’ve always believed I would change the world, I would help people in some way. But how could I possibly do that without being completely humbled with my own life and healing my spirit? I can’t. In order to fulfill MY purpose, and achieve what I was destined to achieve, I need to be confident in myself, face my fears, and get through the most trying experience I’ve gone through. And the only thing that makes sense to do so, is connecting with my dad and my Hawaiian family. In order for me to have the light in my life, I need to find my father. Just like the girl in my dream. She was scared to face the light and find her father, especially alone. But she did, and the end result was rewarding. She reached her destination, the light, “home” with her family. I’ve realized that I don’t have to do this alone, I have people watching out for me, my grandparents, (if you actually have been following, you’d remember my last post mentioned an older couple) and me finding my grandmothers things in that box, was her reminder to me that I’m not alone in this, that my spirit is cared for and protected, I just need to make that step.
After having this dream for 20 years, I’ve finally woken up and been awaken to the message I’ve been too stubborn to listen to. The first step, is building a relationship with my dad. Connecting with my roots and understanding my gift. Maybe what he went through during his time away, is similar to the things I’ve been through in my life. What if his life lessons are the same as mine? If he can help me heal, then I can help heal other people. It’s the only explanation that’s ever made sense of all of this. Who knows? But I’ll never know unless I try. And for the first time, ever, I’m okay with welcoming him into my life.
I’m thankful for everyone reading my blog and following along with me. My next post will be really deep and really personal, probably the most personal I’ve shared thus far, so keep following, leave feedback, and stay tuned. 💜💜💜